I have faltered many times, but I don’t think I’ve failed just yet
above all, through all my faults, perhaps the only thing right I ever did;
I stayed.
long enough to watch your scars fade from pink to white
to know your silhouette against the shapelessness of shadows
your voice through all the static
the color of your eyes in blending the right shades of sap and sage
and i don’t have to hear the crescendo of your heartbeat, i can feel it in your stare
I stayed.
I am here.
here ya go, it’s not very pretty and it’s mostly sex and confusion at the beginning and I’m not trying to make this eloquent so brace yourself:
I knew when I saw her that she’d be…something different. It was like there was just this little seed planted deep down inside of me from that moment on, and I tried to be really oblivious to it. Told myself nothing would ever happen, but the ‘what-ifs’ never stopped going through my head every time I was around her. We just gravitated towards each other, it was so strange.
There were so many moments where we caught each other’s eye in a room full of people and there was just SO MUCH in a simple glance that I couldn’t help but let my mind wander more and more.
I remember after the first time she and I really hung out I went into major-creep mode and sat and read every single one of her posts in her tumblr archive because I just…wanted to know everything. I wanted to see the way she thought and spoke and felt and what she’d been through. It just made things kind of weird because I knew things about her that she didn’t know I knew….
There are so many odd things about how we met, and how aware of each other we were before we had even met (She had a painting hung up at my work and I didn’t even know it was hers but I was so in love with it. And I didn’t know, but she had reblogged gifs of me ages before we met saying she wanted to marry me hehe :3) , and how we could have met years ago if the conditions had been right. I wish we could have been highschool sweethearts so bad :c
But yeah, we were both involved with other people so the tension just kind of continued on for like 2 months until we began hanging out more and we always ended up alone and I distinctly remember one night after everyone had passed out we were up to our typical ‘harass-the-shit-out-of-the-other’ shannigans and she like…wanted to wrestle me lolol.
and I pinned her twice and then she finally got me and when she did she was just hovering over me panting and I could tell she wanted to kiss me.
But I rolled away because I wasn’t about to be “that girl” who ruined someone else’s relationship.
But then kristine found out the girl was cheating on her with boys anyway lolol.
And I was like “yeah, f that b you should just, like…go nuts and party tonight and forget about it”
and so she did.
and we were dressed as a bunny and a kitty.
and there had been obvious sexual tension for quite a while at that point
but fucking, this drunk, stupid bitch (and i mean kristine) decided to kiss some RATCHETTTTTTT (I never use that word but it is the perfect adjective) weird ass girl right in front of me so I just loled and was like okay that’s that ew. And then kristine snapped out of it and literally told the girl “okay you’re weird get out of here” and pulled me over and kissed me and by ‘kissed’ i mean she tried to be sexy and bite my labret and ended up pulling it out of my face AND IT SWELLED UP AND I HAD TO LET IT CLOSE.
Half of me was like “OH MY GOD IT HAPPENED” and the other half of me was like “wow, fuck that bitch why did i let her kiss me after that girl I hope I don’t have herpes what the fuck I’m an A+ bitch why didn’t she just kiss me first wow i feel gross wow i’m going to ignore her but first i’m going to reprimand her as a good friend and tell her that blacking out and being stupid is definitely not what she should do”.
and so we blew it off like it was nothing and just kept hanging out. Not even like…5 days later we went out together and the same thing happened but this time it was perfect and the hottest, sexiest thing I’d ever experienced and we were just glued to each other all night.
and then we went back to her house and I tried to fuck her but I wouldn’t let her touch me back because I wasn’t really ready for anything more than a one-way ordeal. And she got pissed and we stopped and I huffed off to go sleep away the sexual frustration on the couch.
next day, acted like it was no big deal but I walked around with so much more pep in my step. I felt happy for the first time in a really fucking long time.
Then I came over to play video games and drink and we finished half a handle of captain together and played crash bandicoot until the sun rose and then we started playing this game that we’d started where we would just smack the shit out of each other until it hurt….i don’t know why….but anyway. i guess she couldn’t take it anymore because she latched on to my face and then dragged me off to her bedroom like a caveman and she was all like “mermer you’re not this kind of girl” and I was like “fuck this, I’m an adult now I can do these things, this is the sort of thing that you do when you get older, it’s not a big deal” and so I shoved her hand down my pants and we had the best sex ever for hours and hours. It was pretty much a full month of pretty intense tension at that point being released all at once.
Needless to say there was a lot of blood and bruises.
Is this the story you were looking for? The romance came after all of that.
We were supposed to just be “friends with benefits” or whatever, but after the first time I remember laying there all winded wondering what the fuck happened next and I kind of rolled away and in the littlest voice i’d ever heard her use, she asked me if I wanted to cuddle :3
and that little bugger made me be big spoon and cuddled up in my arms like a baby duck or some shit, i had no idea she could be so cute.
then I didn’t see her for like a week and I was just hating myself, I regretted it. I felt like she didn’t know me and I felt like I sold myself short and I was at an extremely hard point in my life and felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I never wanted to have sex with anyone that I didn’t love.
But I felt like I did. Months prior to the event when we were just friends I had walked into her room and sat on her bed while she wrote out a letter to her girlfriend at the time. And she was telling me about how she had never been in love.
And I was telling her how she’d know
and in my head all I could think was “I know she could love me. I know I could show her what love is.”
And so from that point after we’d had sex began the months of torture she’d have to go through for me to take her seriously lol.
We struggled to even sit closely to each other or hold hands in the day time, but at night, when we were alone, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. It was weird, so weird. It killed me. I didn’t want to keep being physical without knowing where I stood or without emotional investment.
but then we started hanging out alone.
I’d find places for us to go, she’d pick me up after work at 11 pm even though she had school in the morning and we’d just go to little parks in my neighborhood and hang out for hours, just talking and talking and smoking and swinging and drinking.
And one of the nights she kissed me goodbye and afterward she just sighed and said how relieved she was that she could be sober and still feel the butterflies and I was like ‘oh ok guess i am liked’ and then went inside and squeed myself to sleep.
We spent the entire month of november doing that, but then I bought my plane ticket to california.
I couldn’t stay where I was anymore, I was still in a lot of pain after losing my best friend in my previous relationship. I wasn’t over it and the feelings I was developing for her were making things even harder on me, I couldn’t be her girlfriend. I just couldn’t do it.
THEN OF COURSE ONCE I TELL HER SHE’S ALL “WHAT?! YOU DIDN’T TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS FIRST?! WHY>!”
I honestly didn’t think she was going to care, it wasn’t like I was going to break things off with her when I left. I just really needed to get away from it all.
We got a lot closer from that point and she took me to our park one night and as per usual we were pouring our hearts out and at a certain point she was just kind of buried in her knees and I was looking down at the water and it was like a god damn movie because the moon’s reflection rippled in the water right when she told me she loved me.
my eyes teared up and I didn’t say it back, but I wanted to.
things got really terrible between us after that. For christmas she’d gotten me a composition book, and filled it with things like this:
MEANWHILE I WAS LIKE THIS:
So you can tell we were on pretty different wave-lengths.
She had finally fallen in love, and I was falling apart.
But we got through it. Things fell into place.
I stopped fighting her and she made me so fucking happy, she’s been amazing to me.
We experimented together, we had so many firsts together, so many amazing moments It’s hard to even keep track of them all.
We’ve been through so fucking much together.
Right before I moved to california we were sitting at the breakfast table together, I was on her laptop and she was on her notebook computer
and I was on facebook about to request her as my girlfriend to surprise her
and right before I clicked “send” she told me to check my facebook with a huge dumb grin on her face
and i was like NO FUCK YOU I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SEND YOU A REQUEST
and i turned the computer to her and she was like WHAT NO WAY and it was weird and we just giggled and smooched and it was a perfect moment.
I love her so much, I really do. Life is hard and I’ve lost sight of it at moments but she’s just the perfect fit…I’m really glad you sent me this.
Our resolution was to be better to each other.
And this was just…the ultimate reminder, refresher of how far we’ve come and how much we actually deserve from each other.
sorry for blabbing, and then cutting it short at the end u__u I got caught up in memories *sniffle*
But yeah that’s us, we’re fucked up but we make the best of it :3
Flashbacks of fingertips smothering every inch of me,
little butterflies tasting the dips in my pores,
shivers weaving between my follicles and tufts of baby hair.
You don’t drink me in anymore.
I am a bitter salt lick,
sugar-cube in my prime, in my youth.
All I ever wanted was to escape weakness by embracing vulnerability.
I wore sadness and apathy so well, it made-up for my apologetic smile and how unflattering happiness was when it clung to the corners of my eyes and the dimple above my lip and the vacancy in my chest.
Nothing has ever quite been real.
I am an adult, with my burdened brow and my vacuous eyes that can’t quite hold focus on anything at all.
Can’t quite meet another pair of eyes without feeling the interlocked void create a vacuum inside the stare, sockets suctioned uncomfortably with eyelids as immediate barricades.
I am an adult, with my problems buried deep inside my jowls. I smile like I don’t know how to because I’ve forgotten. There is no muscle memory, only conflicted delusions of what it might’ve been.
I am an adult, and I still sparkle in the right light.
i will never understand the motionless plummet that brings me back here every time.
(Source: cj-sewers)
“it looks like you’re obstructing the path to this freedom for others by judging the way they utilize theirs”
and i think i finally understand the concept of privilege.
I’m extraordinarily privileged.
I intend to use that privilege to help up those who are less fortunate and knock down the assholes who use theirs to keep everyone else below them.
Level the playing ground.
whether that’s exercising my right to say what others feel they can’t, or supporting their empowerment.
Making it known where my beliefs lie, which is with the prevention of infringing upon anyone else’s happiness to preserve your own.
If making a mockery of (and that’s only the LEAST aggressive form of discrimination) fat, queer, trans*, black, disabled people/any minority/anyone who you deem to be in a lower class than you is what makes you happy, then yes, I am going to try to open your eyes to why you are an asshole.
Not scathingly, but compassionately. In an enlightening manner.
But there are some things that do not deserve that sort of kindness. Malice will never over-rule malice, but having a voice that roars just as loud is a form of leveling things out.
No one can say what’s right and what’s wrong, but when can hurting someone else ever be deemed “right”?
I know how easy it is to be a prick, but once you surround yourself with positive people and take the smallest fucking second to think about it, you never have to again.
It is what feels right.
And that overpowers any combination of letters and decibels.
And the only thing speaking-up obstructs is the passages in their brain that lead to such negative, discriminatory behavior/thinking. It’s a risk worth taking.
Stop worrying about the opinions of other people.
Stop worrying about being pretty, you don’t owe it to anyone.
Stop worrying about not being thin, stop worrying about not being curvy.
It doesn’t matter at all whatsoever what other people think of you, it doesn’t. The only way it can ever, ever harm you is if you let it.
And if you feel these things about yourself, please remember the world we live in and how twisted and torturous and unrealistic and disgusting it is. You don’t have to feed into it.
Own yourself.
Own your body.
Own your mistakes.
Own your decisions because you are the only one with merit to decide whether or not it’s “right”.
Be naked with yourself, be naked to the world.
Drink in the sight of others doing the same, once you recognize it you will yearn for the same freedom and inevitably manifest it within yourself.
We all wear too many masks for silly reasons, sometimes it makes us forget who we are at all.
Don’t let anyone shame you, don’t give anyone that power.
And don’t ever be the person who tries to force that kind of negativity on someone else.
At the end of the day it harms you more than anyone else, it poisons your mind.
Let it go.
And don’t forget that we all bleed the same.
You remember the day you realized that nothing was what it seemed to be the day before.
You realized how short the day really is, they never fucking loved you, you should have listened, you couldn’t actually be whatever you wanted.
You began to see that your parents weren’t superheros, not even close. You began to realize that “adult” was just a word and that nobody would ever be able to give you answers, but you understood why you were asking for them now.
You were happy they never let you spend the night at quiet brianna’s house and would resent them forever for not doing more, for playing into the sick ignorance we feign to maintain our bubbles.
And then you furrowed your brow and you let your world gloss over with tears
But only long enough
To reassure yourself it was real.
